I’ll start with a little monkey joke. So, this guy went to the pet store, and they were selling monkeys for twenty euros apiece. That’s cheap, they’re normally like five thousand apiece. So, this guy buys twelve. When he gets home he unwraps the package and finds three legs, seven heads, and two arms. That’s my funny little monkey joke.
Anyway, top ten lists are great, and so are monkeys. Here are the top ten monkeys that exist.
Proboscis Monkey
This guy can be found on the island of Borneo along with a harem of between two and seven lady monkeys. He’s also known as Nasalis Larvatus, and if you look closely you might notice he has a very distinctive nose. He uses this nose to attract mates, and scientists believe it might act as a kind of echo chamber, enhancing the volume of his call. His nose has been described as ‘fleshy’ and ‘pendulous’, two words that are also used to describe the De Brazza’s monkey’s well documented penis.
Spider Monkey
This monkey is found in the tropical forests of Central and South America, and has disproportionally long limbs. A Brazilian legend translated to The Tall Man Who Climbs is thought to have originated from sightings of spider monkey. Spider monkey has been known to swoop down from above and catch people by surprise; the criminals of central and south america have more than once found their crimes thwarted by an unexpected sighting of Spider Monkey.
Pygmy Marmoset
This adorable little bro can be found in the Western Amazon basin in South America. The explorer to first discover her described her as “small enough to crush beneath your boot.” Unfortunately this explorer was correct. Weighing in at just over 100 grams, Pygmy Marmoset could indeed be crushed beneath a boot, as was discovered by a woman in Leeds, UK. She bought Pygmy Marmoset on Ebay, and three days later sent a crumpled body back to the seller along with a request for a refund. The request was denied, and Pygmy’s family begun a petition to have the Leeds woman tried in a primate court for murder. Needless to say, the petition gained many signatures, but in the end was ignored.
François’ Langur
This little fella is found in the more remote areas of France, and played a pivotal roll in the French Revolution. Alongside another famous monkey called Barbary Macaque, François set up the male hairdressing salon and hotel chain Roomed and Groomed, which proved immensely popular in Paris and was home to many a revolutionary.
Barbary Macaque
This dude is native to the Wild West, but on his seventh birthday he migrated to Paris where he met his longtime friend and business partner François Langur. It is said that to look into Barbary’s eyes is to see raw regret in it’s purest form. What he lacks in happiness he more than makes up for in grooming talent. It is rumoured that he is behind the moustache of global sensation Emperor Tamarin.
Emperor Tamarin
Emperor Tamarin, also known as The Lord of a Lonely Kingdom, is the self declared ruler of a small nation in feudal Japan. His nation consist of just one subject, known as Cotton-top Tamarin. After starring in a hit film by famous primate director De Brazza, Emperor Tamarin was shot into stardom, appearing on a number of reality TV and chat shows. His fans say he’s an inspiration, following his dreams no matter what. His critics say he’s lonely and sad, and needs help.
Cotton-top Tamarin
Emperor Tamarin’s only subject also doubles as his publicist. Widely regarded as an excellent spin doctor, Cotton-top has had a vast and star studded career. He was behind the rise of both Simon Owl and Steven Seagull.
Simon Owl
Contrary to popular belief, Simon Owl is in fact a monkey. He’s known for his scathing, sarcastic remarks with regards to animals much more talented than himself, and is most famous for starring in Louis Theroux’s documentary When Louie Met Max Clifford.
Max Clifford
Max Clifford is a big red dog, and was convicted for eight counts of indecent assault on girls and women aged 14-19.
So, that was my top ten best monkeys that exist. I hope you enjoyed reading, please post your own top ten monkeys that exist in the comments below, and as always, staaaay juicy!
