WWE, Breakup Medicine

When I was little, I used to love WWE unashamedly. Now I am older, and I have dipped my toe back into that messy pool of rippling muscles, I can appreciate the beauty even more. I think, in a way, this newfound adult shame actually makes it better.

The reasons the show is so unnaturally entertaining are endless, ranging from the brilliantly melodramatic monologues to the seamless, dance like performances.  The show has all gone a bit rubbish, though. For some inexplicable reason they have decided to welcome two horrendous, warm, fuzzy characters to the show known as Mike and Maria Kanellis.

Eye’s alight with the disgusting hopefulness of eager love, hands reaching out to take hold of that partner they can’t go two seconds without, the Kanellis’s bring out my most deep seated rage. As someone who is very much single, a state of being not particularly unusual to this here beardy nobody, seeing these awful people being so happy, and flaunting that to the world! God, it’s disgusting, and inappropriate, and jesus I hate them so much!

I’m all for people falling in love. Go ahead, it seems great, and I can’t tell you what to do. But you don’t have to go and shove it in my face. When I’m wandering the streets late at night, feeling my heart go dark as the chilly shadow of self doubt drapes itself around my shoulders, I do not, do not expect to see a pair of shit eating fuck heads kissing! It’s selfish, inconsiderate, pathetic even! If you need so desperately to prove to the world your relationship is going well maybe you should take a long hard look at whether it’s actually worth having at all.

The Kanellis’s, stepping into the WWE ring amid a torrent of confused, enraged shouting, take the whole performance five steps too far. This is a boys show about muscly men and their delicious oily bodies, it’s not for icky love stuff! I come here to watch Kurt Angle get in trouble for having sex with his college girlfriend (plaaayyerrr!) and to see Braun Strauman try and prove to Brock Lesner he can knock over the most security guards! I don’t want to see… To see…

Kissing! Gross disgusting awful horrible lovely kissing! I mean, I just, like, come on! I don’t get to kiss anyone why do they! I have a beard too! I have a beard too why don’t I get to kiss anyone! I just want to have someone say they love me why is it so goddamn hard! They prance around together like it’s easy but it’s not, it’s not easy, I don’t get how its so easy for them! I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard but please, please!

I just want to be loved… That’s all… I just want to be loved for once in my fucking life… And I don’t need to see these two lipstick smudged losers showing off all the time. I don’t need it okay? Jesus.

WWE has gone to shite. Brilliant, fantastic, golden shite.

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