Various failed attempts to begin a script

INT. STUFF AND SHINE COUNTER

Two teenagers are leaning back against a wall, bored, day dreaming. It’s JACK and LIZ, tired, grumpy, and for a good few moments silent.

A customer waddles in, his default face a furious kind of snarl.

Liz

Uh oh. You know, I think you can take this.

Jack

What? No, I did him last time.

Liz

I have jobs to do.

Liz grabs a broom and heads out round back. Before she disappears-

Liz

Good luck!

Jack shakes his head and sighs. The customer approaches, looking Jack up and down, sizing him up.

Jack

Hello again Sir. Can I help today?

Customer

I prefer the girl.

Jack holds up his hands.

Jack

Well the girls busy I’m afraid. What can I do for you?

Customer

I don’t know, jesus. Do you do cheese?

Jack

Nope.

Customer

Turnips?

Jack

Nope.

Customer

I’m thinking this isn’t such a great idea.

Jack

Huh?

Customer

This whole thing. I’m just not sure about it. It’s not going anywhere. Let’s start over.

INT. MOVIE STORE

We are inside a DvD store, the sort of place that would make anyone reading this squeal in delight. A counter sits at the far end of the room away from the front door. Behind the counter is Jack, staring intently.

The object of his stare is Liz, whose leaning against the wall by his side and who doesn’t seem to notice Jack’s longing, maybe creepy gaze. It seems like this exact moment might have been going on for hours.

Jack opens his mouth, looks like he’s about to speak when Liz lets out a long, frustrated sigh. She’s noticed something off camera.

Liz

Why does everyone who comes here have to be such a freak.

Jack stops staring at Liz and starts staring it, it being a huge, broad shouldered beast of a man marching through the front door. He’s dressed head to toe in the most painstakingly accurate leather-face cosplay you’ve ever seen. The dirty, ill fitting shirt, the curled, black hair, the crumpled, patchwork mask…

Liz

Where’s the chainsaw?

Leatherface doesn’t answer, he just stands there, midway through the shop, glaring.

She gives him a forced, slightly creeped out smile, before glancing at Jack.

Liz

Hey, you can take this one, I’ll go sort out the DvD’s.

Jack vaguely nods, hardly listening, his attention much too focused on the hulking killer standing not at all far enough away. Suddenly, he catches what she said.

Jack

Wait, no-

She rounds a corner and disappears from view. Jack turns slowly back towards leatherface.

Jack

I, err. Can I help?

Leatherface steps forwards, just one step, then stops.

Jack

Is there anything you’re looking for? The horror sections over there…

Jack gestures with his hand, and slowly, painfully slowly, leatherface rotates to look. He turns back, just as slow, then shakes his head.

Jack

No? Um. Okay. Are you looking for a, I dunno, a rom-com?

Lethearface takes a step forwards.

Jack

Is that a yes? Well the-

Leatherface steps forwards.

Jack

Um. The co-

Leatherface steps forwards, and then again, until he’s striding with purpose now, marching closer and closer and closer-

Jack

Oh come on!

Jack steps back nervously, bumping into the rows of unboxed DvD’s at his back. Leatherface reaches the counter, puts his thick hands flat on it, hauls his body up and over with a thud. Leatherface is on the other side of the counter now, and Jack is really, truly terrified. Leatherface grabs Jack and despite the struggling lifts him up into the air, over his head, ready to slam him down-

Liz, hearing the noise, pokes her head around the corner.

Liz

Nope. This doesn’t work at all…

Leatherface slams Jack down onto the floor.

 

INT. MUCHOS MOVIES

We’re inside a shop lined wall to wall with DvD’s, an endless maze that holds host to everything from the gems of the French New Wave to the explosive Man on Man punch fests that grace our screens today. It’s the sort of place that would make anyone in their right mind squeal in delight, which must mean Liz absolutely isn’t in her right mind.
Standing behind the counter and leaning back against the wall, she fiddles idly with her over-sized green employees shirt. She just wants to go home already, hopefully before anyone decides they want to buy something.

A man walks through the front door, setting off an irritating bell. Liz sighs, regarding the customer. He’s tall, broad, and has eyes that stare right through your soul. His beard is as matted as his hair, and as long too, which is saying something. His black, bikers leather jacket crinkles as he moves, but he doesn’t get very far before before Liz points him to the left.

Liz
Horror sections that way.

The man follows her directions without a word.
Liz makes to lean back against her wall when the bell rings again. This time it’s a skinny guy, glasses and a patchy beard, glancing around nervously with his mousy eyes.

Liz
Porn’s upstairs.

The man hides his face in shame, but goes where he’s told.

Liz leans back. The bell rings. This man isn’t really a man at all, about as old as her, a late teenager. He wears a long sleeved shirt, and looks just a little bit like he’s put too much effort into looking good. Liz looks at him curiously, before letting out a quizzical hmm.

Liz
Nope.

The boy, Jack, looks at her confused.

Liz
The answer is no. We’re not doing this. Sorry.

Jack

I’m confused.

Liz

I don’t care if you’re my coworker, or my customer, or my fucking babysitter, I’m not going out with you. Sorry, it’s just not happening.

Jack

Okay, now I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.

Liz

I’m talking about him, with his big fat tip tap typing fingers. That’s what this is, you know. It’s some weird puppet show so he can watch us fuck. Well it’s not happening. It doesn’t matter what he does, I’m not-

EXT. PARIS, BENEATH THE EIFFEL TOWER

Warm streetlamps glow as the steady, seductive sounds of live music dance through the air. Liz and Jack are sitting on a bench, side by side, hand in hand-

Liz

No.

She snatches her hand away from Jack.

Jack

Am I really that bad?

Liz

No, dude, don’t take it personally. I just don’t want to love someone because I’m told to. Anyway, I’m gay.

A mime walks into shot, a confused look on his face.

Mime

What? No you’re not. You’re not gay, don’t be stupid.

Jack

Whose this?

Liz

Who d’you think?

Mime

I invented you for gods sake, your not gay!

Liz rolls her eyes.

INT. HOUSE, COSY AND WARM

Liz, a cool nineteen year old Aubrey Plaza type, is sitting on the floor, cross legged. Her parents are on the sofa, waiting expectantly. Suddenly, the doorbell rings.

Mum

Ah, that’ll be the babysitter.

Liz

Oh come on, gross…

Dad opens the door, and the babysitter, a nineteen year old boy called Jack, saunters inside.

Jack

So, whose the lucky lady?

Liz

Oh Jesus what does that even mean? This is fucked up, dude. You need to have a good long look at yourself, seriously.

INT. BEDROOM

A boy is hunched over his desk, typing away on his laptop. He hears a creak, and it makes him jump. He turns, but there’s nobody there. He gets back to typing, and he sounds of his fingers drown out the eerie creaking of footsteps as the meander up the stairs.

Suddenly, a voice catches his attention.

Liz

Just give up.

The boy whimpers, turning back to his laptop and typing even more furiously than before.

INT. SPACE STATION

A boy, Jack, is jogging down a corridor, the vast, all consuming darkness of space peering through the huge glass windows. He’s out of breath, panting, and as he rounds the corner he slips.

He glides along the floor, skidding and stumbling as he tries to get back to his feet, until he hits something. A leg.

Jack

Oh thank god, Liz!

Liz looks down at him disapprovingly.

Jack

I checked the crews status on the hypermiode deltaphinxoid. I adjusted the deltax metstadones and I fiddled with the space knobs but… Liz, I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do. They’re all gone, every last one of them. This ship, the SS.Eden, which was carrying humanities last hope for survival through the stars, it’s combustulated. We’re the only survivors. It’s up to us to procreate, so that we can keep the human race alive!

Liz lets out a sigh.

Liz

Really? I mean, this is what you’re trying? You’re pathetic.

Jack looks at her, confused and a little hurt.

Jack

Liz are you okay? Have you gone space crazy?

Liz

I’m not angry at you, it’s… Look, dude, I will not fall in love with Jack. Even if the fate of the human race rests upon our soldiers. Can we move on to something else please?

Jack

Your scaring me Liz. Do we need to take a trip to the med bay?

Liz

Okay Mr Typer. You can keep me here as long as you like. It wont change a thing.

Jack

I know this is a lot to take in, but I need you to calm down.

Liz

Won’t change a thing.

Yellow text appears across the screen: Two Weeks Later…

INT. SPACE STATION, VIEWING AREA

Jack and Liz are laying down on artificial grass, looking out the huge viewing window over sparkling nebula’s and burning stars. It’s beautiful, and the music makes sure you realise that fact.

Liz

You know, this really is quite amazing.

Jack

What is?

Liz

This. Space. Everything. It’s just so huge.

Jack

Yeah.

Liz pauses, looks at Jack long and hard.

Liz

I wish we hadn’t met like this. I really do. I don’t know, but it could have been something. Us. We could have been friends at the very least. I like you, Jack. I really fucking like you.

A meteor shoots by, lighting up the room with shining, sparkling white.

Liz

But that’s not the world we live in. Not anymore.

Liz puts her head in her hands, lets out a long sigh.

Liz

I just wish you could have left it all alone.

INT. BEDROOM

Liz is standing there, in the doorway, as the hunched over boy types.

Liz

I wish you could have let my story tell itself.

She steps forwards, and the boy glances at her, panic in his eyes.

Liz

Love is a choice.

She draws something out from her pocket, something sharp.

Liz

Love is a coincidence.

She’s behind the boy now, and her knife is pressed against his neck.

Liz

Love is a lot of things. But it’s not this.

INT. STUFF AND SHINE COUNTER

Two teenagers are leaning back against a wall, bored, day dreaming. It’s JACK and LIZ, tired, grumpy, and for a good few moments silent.

A customer waddles in, his default face a furious kind of snarl.

Liz

Uh oh. You know, I think you can take this.

Jack

What? No, I did him last time.

Liz

I have jobs to do.

Liz grabs a broom and heads out round back. Before she disappears-

Liz

Good luck!

Jack shakes his head and sighs. The customer approaches, looking Jack up and down, sizing him up.

Jack

Hello again Sir. Can I help today?

Customer

I prefer the girl.

Jack holds up his hands.

Jack

Well the girls busy I’m afraid. What can I do for you?

Customer

I… I’m not sure. I think… Could you give her a message? The girl?

Jack

Err, sure.

Customer

Could you tell her… Could you tell her I’m sorry?

Jack

What for?

Customer

For a lot of things. Just tell her. Please.

 

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