My loyal fans (of which there are none, of course) may have noticed a pretty big drop in quality over the past couple of weeks. I’ve started writing once a week instead of three times, which should give me more time to focus on each piece, but the truth is a lot’s going on in my life at the moment and it’s getting to me.
First off I just started university, which is terrifying and exciting and terrifying and oh god it’s so ridiculously terrifying. I’ve never been brilliant in social situations but I didn’t think I was this bad. I find myself sitting in a group of awesome, smart, funny people, and hating every last second of it. It’s as though my mouth just forgets how to form words, it’s like everything I know and everything I’ve learnt scurries down into some secret tunnel at the first sign of life. My brain is more antisocial than me, I think, because why else would it be so willing to just shut down?
Of course, it doesn’t shut down, not really. Inside my head, where it has been determined I must live, the noise is deafening. I want more than anything to join in with the world, to engage with this opportunity and enjoy it. Instead I’m stuck with my own company, a company that’s pretty trying sometimes.
The other thing that’s been getting to me, and what has been messing with me the most, is my granddad. He’s old, like granddads tend to be, and he’s had a good life. I’m not ready to say goodbye quite yet, though, and it looks like I might have to. He collapsed last week and this time the doctors said it wasn’t so simple as just getting back up. I don’t really understand whats wrong, I think it’s just time playing it’s role. It sucks, to see him so immobile. It reminds me of my granny before she died, and reminds me of how guilty I feel about not talking to her enough while she was alive.
My nanny, whose not dead (and is my granddads wife), is doing okay. She’t got a little while left I suppose. I need to make sure I use that time. I need to make sure I get to know about her and her life and her world. I didn’t learn my lesson the last time this happened. I’d better learn it this time.
When I think about how she’ll be once he’s gone I get this real tight knot in my stomach. It’s not so much a feeling of anxiety as a feeling of desperate worry. Like watching a stranger on a roof, your whole body poised for the moment they jump. Its like I’m just waiting to see her break. I don’t want that. It upsets me so much to think about. But I don’t know what else I can do.
I don’t know enough about my granddad, but what I do know makes him fascinating enough. He worked at an air base, travelled the world in service of the army. He was involved in strange stuff, stuff he wont talk about. My nanny told me about what it was like living with a man who couldn’t settle. She’d turn up somewhere, make a few friends, and have to say goodbye all within the space of a few months. They got through it all, though, even with children being born. They’re amazing people.
I guess they’ve seen their friends die, and their own grandparents, parents. They must know how to deal with it a little better than me. That doesn’t mean it’ll be easy though.
It just doesn’t feel real. Even while I’m writing this it doesn’t feel real. I’m so far away from them now, I couldn’t see him even if I wanted to, and I think that distance has made the whole thing feel a little bit like a story. It can’t be real, it’s just something they’re telling me, it’s just a funny little joke… But this feeling is real. This dread inside me. I can’t sleep, my body feels like it’s shivering, like I’m in the ocean. When I finally do I dream of the day he goes. Then during the day I barely think about it at all, so caught up in this desperate fight to make friends, to make myself known. I hate that I can forget about him so easily. I hate that I am so caught up in myself. It sucks.
But yeah, that’s why my writings been pretty bad, and why it’s been infrequent. I don’t want to just write about my feelings all the time, but I don’t know who else to talk to. Sorry, and thank you. Hopefully next week I’ll write something less self centred and more fun.